Saturday, 15 November 2014

Still feisty after all these years...

I come from a long line of feisty women. No surprise there I hear you mutter. And mostly it serves us well. My Grandmothers lived through two world wars, deep recessions, losing babies and teenage children even and then widowhood. These were such tough times.
 My own mother in some ways had it easier; better times and better medicine eventually made her life more comfortable, her own babies safer. But she too lived through her teenage years in a town that was relentlessly bombed during the war and that left its scars. Her evident fear during a storm a testament to those early years spent in bomb shelters.

This week has found me in deep reflection about the past. November 12 was the anniversary of my fathers death. Twenty years have passed and perhaps it's juxtaposition to the Remembrance ceremonies, with that 100 years commemoration of the start of the war that was to end all wars,that made it so poignant. We came upon this wonderful tribute from his home village on return from serving in the war. 

So many lives changed by that war and others. This of course was the stimulus for our welfare state, people no longer willing to accept the status quo. Are we really willing to stand by and allow it to be dismantled with all it stood for? He for one would be very, very angry if he were still here to witness it.

The twenty year anniversary of course is also of my mother being windowed. And although over the years she has spent many holidays with the family, all celebrations shared together, weekends with us all and so on, nonetheless each time she has returned to an empty house. Of course she had her routine, punctuated by time with friends, reading, favourite TV programmes, hobbies and the like. But in the last few years Alzheimer's has robbed her of those and of her fragile peace of mind. The time had come that being home alone was jeopardising her wellbeing and safety. Of course that feistiness served her well but it was no longer enough. And so this weekend she went to try out a care home to see if it would help. The family achieved a remarkable changing rooms transformation on her room. Creating the familiar around her. It was overwhelming at first but she has quickly adapted and is thriving with having company. All fingers are crossed that may even help her regain some of her dramatic weight loss but if not at least she will be feeling safe and be celebrating her regular quiz and dominos success! It has taken support from the family to enable that and it also takes real courage to face the kind of change she has. 

Much of the drive in health and social care is to keep people out of hospital, to stop admission, to enable early discharge and of course that's right. No one really wants to be in hospital. But we are social beings. We need the connection of others. Especially when we are unwell. The milk of human kindness is part of healing and wellbeing. I fear for our future, where single households are the norm and in general we are a more disconnected society. Can we start to find ways to respond to this now?

We do need however to ensure that health policy and personalisation approaches connect rather than isolate people. Prescribing a pill may lift a low mood but it won't stop loneliness. We prize independence but do we also need to relearn interdependence, how to share, collaborate and create together. As family units change so can social units maybe? The answer doesn't need to lie with institutions but within communities too. Of course there will always be a need for increased support as our frailty increases. And our own experience reminds me that we shouldn't fear modern care homes who offer person centred support and kindness when we need it.

Courage comes in many forms, keeping going through the hard times and also knowing when to accept help. The public services role is to support our personal and community assets, not undermine them. If we keep remembering to ask what matters to them we are more likely to respond accurately to the need, not making assumptions that can threaten wellbeing. Yes we need to keep people out of hospital but that doesn't mean the only answer is to be at home alone at any cost. Is there a creative answer to this I wonder?


  1. dear Audrey,

    the scope of your post was something very special to read, and your eloquent style of writing tied it all together so beautifully.

    I am so happy for your dear Mother being able to make a happy and smooth transition to her new home; the effort and thoughtfulness of your family came together for a remarkably good outcome.

    as to your question about a creative solution for something in between the staying out of hospital but being home alone at any cost? I don't know. but after reading an article in a magazine years ago about 4 couples who decided to tackle these sorts of dilemmas together before they became elderly has stayed in my mind. the idea was to pool their resources, and design living accomodations for each couple with a separate shared space area. lots of downsizing and considering simplifying lifestyles that provided ease and low maintenance. there are so many details I can't recall - but it was so fascinating; they created their own compound and had built in defaults for many "what ifs", for both privacy and for companionship, illness and wellness...I felt it was not something that would be practical, nor affordable for many, but what impressed me was their foresight and diligence to do all they were able to plan ahead, to be pro-active. it seemed to me that even an idea that wouldn't be attainable for many others could still be a springboard for different scenarios. and I have also heard about the concept of home-sharing where a person who is elderly but still vital and engaged in the community opens their home to share with another elderly person who needs help, perhaps with some mobility issue, advocacy and accompaniment to physician visits, or simply a person who is so lonely and may also be financially challenged who could have lower living expenses as well as companionship, which by the way can certainly affect one's physical and mental health. I think you have done a good turn in asking a very essential question about these very challenging issues.

    please give your Mum a hug for me - tell her it's from one of your admirer's - it'll make her smile.

    much love,

    Karen ooox

    1. Thanks so much for your kind words, Karen. I love the ideas you have, I do think we will need to seek solutions that are different to what we do now. Thanks a always for your wise and kind words, I love to hear from you. Audrey xxx


Using your bounces wisely!

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