Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Last day at work before my op.

It’s like that day before you go n holiday-wondering if you can get it all done but without the good bit to look forward to! At some point of course you cut your losses and try to get some realism in to the plans.
The uncertainty around plans and dates have become something of  a frustration and although the surgeon said this doesn’t have to take over your life, at some level I am beginning to accept that I cant control all of this even with a very flexible and personal service like the one offered here. For a control freak like me (there is some insight) that’s a hard one. I remember previously feeling like I was on a runaway train without knowing where and when it would stop. It’s not as bad this time but its still there a little. Maybe I understand the terrain and have travelled this journey before- I just don’t necessarily have the access to the emergency stop!
If truth is the first casualty of war, then sleep is probably the first casualty of this experience of having treatment for breast cancer. I am measuring my wellbeing just now by how well I sleep. All those thoughts that my busy life holds at bay can sneak up on me around 2 am. Usually I am writing lists about what I still need to do for work, for my new kitchen ( we are in the middle of building an extension-not great timing) and what I need to buy to ensure I wont be embarrassed by my PJs should they be seen in public!
One strong memory from last time was waking my husband in the middle of the night to suggest he needed to be screened for diabetes because of his family history.( I have always been committed to early diagnosis you see!) My worry was for my children-having faced the fear that I may not be around for them then I wanted to ensure he would be. It made sense at the time but perhaps could have waited till the morning. He did point that out kindly and we both burst out laughing at how mad I sounded (!).
I can recommend laughter as great stress reliever.
As a parent your need is always to protect your children-what is lovely for me now is to see them reaching out to help me too.
Thanks to all of you who have responded to my ramblings already. It’s great to hear from you.
Audrey

2 comments:

  1. My experience of supporting people through many different problems in life has taught me that sleep is nearly always the first casualty. Normally followed thereafter by appetite and concentration. It comes as no surprise for me, therefore, to find you are not sleeping well at the moment - especially not so close to the day of your op.
    My only suggestion is to write things down. Continue making the lists, but then close the book on them and say to yourself that you have parked those thoughts for now. They can wait until you are more able to focus on them (i.e once you have slept). It is hard to do at first, but with some practice and determination (saying to yourself that it is parked as soon as you start thinking of it over and over) it can be done.
    I know that is little consolation, but maybe worth a try if it helps get you past the 02:00 wake ups.

    Roiben (Leanne)

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  2. As long as I've known you you've only ever had positive words and positive thoughts so stay positive tomorrow and know that we all love you. See you soon.

    Tracy xx

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