It’s like that day before you go n holiday-wondering if you can get it all done but without the good bit to look forward to! At some point of course you cut your losses and try to get some realism in to the plans.
The uncertainty around plans and dates have become something of a frustration and although the surgeon said this doesn’t have to take over your life, at some level I am beginning to accept that I cant control all of this even with a very flexible and personal service like the one offered here. For a control freak like me (there is some insight) that’s a hard one. I remember previously feeling like I was on a runaway train without knowing where and when it would stop. It’s not as bad this time but its still there a little. Maybe I understand the terrain and have travelled this journey before- I just don’t necessarily have the access to the emergency stop!
If truth is the first casualty of war, then sleep is probably the first casualty of this experience of having treatment for breast cancer. I am measuring my wellbeing just now by how well I sleep. All those thoughts that my busy life holds at bay can sneak up on me around 2 am. Usually I am writing lists about what I still need to do for work, for my new kitchen ( we are in the middle of building an extension-not great timing) and what I need to buy to ensure I wont be embarrassed by my PJs should they be seen in public!
One strong memory from last time was waking my husband in the middle of the night to suggest he needed to be screened for diabetes because of his family history.( I have always been committed to early diagnosis you see!) My worry was for my children-having faced the fear that I may not be around for them then I wanted to ensure he would be. It made sense at the time but perhaps could have waited till the morning. He did point that out kindly and we both burst out laughing at how mad I sounded (!).
I can recommend laughter as great stress reliever.
As a parent your need is always to protect your children-what is lovely for me now is to see them reaching out to help me too.
Thanks to all of you who have responded to my ramblings already. It’s great to hear from you.