Scanxiety?

 

It’s not peculiar to cancer but waiting for results can be the worst time of all. Last week I had really quite bad scanxiety. Yes it’s so bad it’s got its very own word. I had a follow up scan after a few months on olaparib at a lower dose. The truth is I’d been tolerating the drug fairly well apart from anaemia. So I’d had a transfusion after feeling the effects of anaemia; from breathless, swollen ankles and being a sleepysaurus. It helped me and life has been a bit better. BUT was it stopping the cancer ? That was the question and so I approached the scan with some trepidation. 

The scan itself was simple but it’s the wait for result that starts to have an affect. The day before I was due to the clinic for the result the Secretary of the consultant called to ask if I could come at 1 pm rather than 12.10. It would save me waiting I was told. And that set the anxieties off. I imagined all sorts of reasons that on reflection seem so tenuous. But essentially I was being delayed because it was bad news. I was finally seen at 1.35. And by then I was truly scared. The door to the consultants office opened-How are you? he asked and I mentioned a couple of things then said but I’m really scared about this scan result and waited. 

Well it’s good, shows that the cancer is under control. I slowly breathed out. Not shrunk but stayed under control. I will take that I say. So a few more remarks and I was out the door, planning the summer and not looking back. 

Keep taking the tablets, look out for signs of anaemia and ask for a transfusion. I can do that. We then went away for a few days with good friends and enjoyed every moment. Happy days. We’ve even booked another trip together- life is good. 

But tomorrow I have an MRI to look for any issues with my pituitary which might have contributed to the adrenal insufficiency that has resulted in a very low cortisol. It should be fine. But when the machine plays its discordant symphony I defy the stress levels not to be affected. And then it’s waiting for the result. But I’m sure it will be fine…….won’t it? 

Number one on the fuckit list is….?

 I’ve never been drawn to writing a bucket list. What I’m able to do changes regularly and it would lead to list of cant do’s and a loss of gratitude for what I can do. However I did hear once about a fuckit list. Now that’s worth exploring. 

So I’m thinking of compiling - over time- a list of things that are shoulds which one way or another will burden me at this stage in my life ( or let’s be honest at any stage in my life so far) and I am therefore seeking to ditch, perhaps with a suitable ceremony? 

So far and so at the top of my list is ‘lose weight’. Honestly it’s so ingrained that I still fret about my shape and any extra weight I carry. And that has been the case since I was in my early 40s. It’s such a female thing and although I’ve tackled some major issues in my life, I’ve still held the belief that my value to the world is fundamentally attached to what I weigh. And I’ve always been a wee bit heavier than I’d want to be or that the BMI charts think I should be and so to follow that line of thought, of less value to the world. 

Now even I can see that is clearly distorted thinking and yet I still catch myself judging myself harshly. So if I notice that line of thought I stop and try to see something to approve of instead. And the best thing is, it works and I feel better! So number one on the fuckit list is ‘I only count if I’m thin’………

……."fuck that! and go to the top of the list.