Blue Badge Blues 2

So,I’ve had my hair done ( just wash and blow dry-nothing major) before my op tomorrow. Does that make me crazy? Maybe don’t answer that. But it makes me feel better and I’m grabbing anything that does just now. My bags are packed, new toothbrush bought, PJs are shiny clean. Everything but the sunscreen. It does feels a bit like preparing for your holidays; trying to fit everything in before the out of office goes on but with the obvious difference. Suddenly airport security seems appealing. 

I’ve had so many good wishes and I can see the challenge as people try to find the right words. I’ve developed a "once I’m back on my feet"message that helps me close down an exchange. But each time I feel a shiver of anticipation and fear. A tempting of a fate that is so far out of my control that I feel nauseous when I let myself go there. 

It’s with irony I feel grateful to the pain that has worsened since stopping one of the painkillers at the surgeons recommendations. It has chased away all doubts that I’m doing the right thing. I’m so relieved the surgery is nearly here. Whatever the outcome I know I need to at least try to get some quality of life back. The staircase has become even steeper and more of a challenge. I’ve found I’ve had to step up the musical options to accompany the climb. Currently it’s a version of zipity-do-da but with an F word at the beginning. Try it? It works a treat and I feel like maybe I’m winding up Walt Disney at the same time which brings a wee glow of satisfaction. 

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor."~Thich Nhat Hanh

Just in case you are picturing me cursing all day ( well not all day) I’ve also found meditation very helpful with the nerve pain and it has saved me some days from being overwhelmed by it all. Mindfulness of breathing has got me through a huge amount recently. I recommend it and maybe once I’m back on my feet I can start to teach it to others. I would really love that.

My family are just remarkable and are keeping me sane and surrounded by love. And whatever happens that’s really the only thing that matters. Thank you to all of you who have wished me well. I feel nurtured by every kind word. 

I will stay in touch.