Sunday, 6 January 2019

Stalked by a killer

I’m being stalked by a killer. The regular attempts to wound me have worked to take away my confidence and my pleasure at so many things. But all along I have kept going. Nil illegitimi desperandum and all that. I’ve put on my make up, done my hair, squared my shoulders and kept going; whatever the cost. I’ve gone to work, I’ve met friends, I’ve covered up my bruises and scars and lived my life. All the time knowing that the killer might return at any point.  Might just show up unexpected and yet familiar. So familiar to be honest that I’ve become desensitised to the risk when the killer reappears. I know how this goes, I’m deeply wounded physically and of course mentally and I eventually recover because this killer is trying hard but it hasn’t managed to kill me yet. And when I say recover I’m not saying I return to how I was before. Oh no. I get my life back in time but each time leaves me scarred and scared. I find my mood flattens and everything gets just a bit greyer and sadder. And then time passes and I start to see a future again. And that it seems is when the killer returns to remind me not to get complacent; to not to take my life for granted. 
So as you’ve probably guessed, this time it was just a few days before Christmas. This was to be the Christmas remembered as being my grandsons first. Full of cute baby photos and smiles of the anticipated future filled by first steps, first words, first stories read. And it was- but this time it was also a shared knowledge that the killler was back. Although I had hidden it in that dark cupboard away from view but if you listened closely you could still hear its presence, waiting to be acknowledged once the tinsel of Christmas was packed away. 
So this week it was confirmed I have breast cancer again. This time in my right breast, it seems not to have spread and is treatable. And the treatment shouldn’t have to involve chemotherapy. All reassuring. Next week I should hear what my options are. 
I met the breast care nurse sitting in my wheelchair as I recover slowly from the not entirely successful removal of the benign growth stuck to my spinal cord. I’m in constant pain and walk only with mobility aids. I said « this is the point where, if I was a Labrador, we would say that’s it they’ve had enough. » She half smiled and said, no we don’t do needles in the paw here. You can do this, you’re a resilient woman. 

I nodded but also I do admit for a moment I was very tempted by the ease of that needle in the paw.

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