Sunday 18 November 2018

Freedom! Blue badge blues 14

Born to be wild? 



Freedom! 

I spend an inordinately large amount of time trying to work out how to increase my independence. Now it’s personal not national I’m talking about here. ( Although after this week in “Brexshitland” who could blame me...but that’s a whole other blog).
Back to my independence...I have shoe horns and grabbers up and down stairs now. I have walkers upstairs and downstairs too. I have a walking stick up on each level. I have a device to put my socks on even. With a shoe horn I can manage one pair of boots but not the others. I’m currently researching more ankle boots I might try and negotiating with Santa given the expense!
I have my much loved mobility scooter which if set up for me, gives me an exhilarating freedom to travel around this part of Edinburgh. I can reach my new Open Book group in the Botanics on my own which has been a much valued addition to my life. My current challenge as winter arrives is however is keeping warm. I may need to purchase some duvet type cover for my legs but in doing so I may reduce my freedom as it will then become another obstacle to negotiate. Can you see the challenge? Everything is complex in my new life ( please don’t call it my new normal...it brings out a dark side in me). And it takes time. My concept of time just now is blown. “I won’t be long” is my most commonly used big fat lie...
My other dilemma is finding a car I can drive with aids to enable me to travel on my own. Help!That feels like an enormous task just now. I can’t walk without a walker to the car and can’t lift it in or out. I then need to be able to drive which is going to need to be an automatic car. Currently I have a manual car and a right leg I can’t trust. And it’s painful to get in and out. I then need to be able to assess how far I need to walk when I arrive-always assuming I can park, even with my blue badge. That’s gone badly a few times. My recent experience was taking a  taxi and my walker to the venue then borrowing a wheelchair to get me to the meeting room. So far so good. Then there was a fire alarm. Fortunately they had kept the borrowed wheelchair by the door and I was able to get out with support. My realisation is that I need a wheelchair as well as my scooter, which isn’t very transportable, or I’m not safe. So I’ve been referred for a manual one meantime. I’m looking into the motability scheme and hoping it helps me move forward re having a car I may be able to drive in time. A red one would be my preference. ( that was a joke by the way....sort of). 

Sometimes it’s easier to just stay at home and that accept the freedom I mentioned feels a long way off....for now I hope. 

Saturday 3 November 2018

The watcher from the chair Blue badge blues 13





I yearn to stand
and coorie him
kiss his milk full cheek
smell his untarnished skin
feel when I held his father too

I yearn to stand
and comfort him to sleep
and sing the songs that
Grannies have aye sung
the stories of our past

Yet gratitude fills my heart
when we celebrate
our precious boy
and experience the joy
he brings us all

And in a deep corner
of my heart I’m sad
that I need to sit
the watcher from the chair
trying to hide her grief

Is this the terminus?

In the recent  interview with the BBC they referred to me as terminal. That word triggered lots of people I know to be in contact me. It’s n...