Audrey’s Blog on living well with disability and breast cancer

This weeks blog could be short. I did too much and I was shattered, it would read. I agree not exciting . It could also be a theme of accepting the impact my recent diagnosis has had and that this year needs to be the one where I prioritise my recovery. Two health care professionals  have said this to me this week.I had to stifle my reply which would instinctively be a big fat NO...not the whole year...I want it over now! But  I know its true and it doesn't mean I am not going to be working etc but just that I still need to make time to finish my treatment. And I need to stop trying to work it around my work diary, because the time will never be right if I try to do that. In a week when I met my London colleagues in Edinburgh it highlighted my pull. I work with great people, in a great charity, all of us passionate about our mission.....and I miss them. And the daily challenge of an interesting job. Briefly I considered asking to join them at a meeting the next day but recognised

I approached the clinic with trepidation as you know. I has worried that the fat graft reconstruction had not really taken and that the surgeon might take me down a new unplanned route. So in my head I had planned them all and had a tick off list for pros and cons. Exhausting mentally as you may imagine. However he was happy with me and reminded me that i was told top ups would be required. I did know this and it wasn't just a case of selective deafness...honest. But now I know what a top up means. Because my normal answer to would you like a top up would be , oh that would be lovely, thank you. So in my head a top up was a sort of "more tea vicar" scenario, stress free and simple...could do it in your lunch break kinda thing. Well I got that wrong, didn't I? It's more bruises than a round with Mohammed Ali , general anaesthetic and hit with a stun gun type of top up. One of my prepared scenarios was, actually I can live with it now so let's just leave it at

As I admitted the other day I am still not up to shopping strength. Even on line there are a number of abandoned baskets when I have just run out of steam. This is a particular issue just now as we are in the middle of the Fashion Targets Breast Cancer Campaign. Now this campaign is a hugely important one in raising awareness and funds for our life saving work in Breakthrough Breast Cancer. In the past I have bought some really great items as part of Fashion Targets, from dresses at Laura Ashley , top shop trends setting items to much used t-shirts and umbrellas from M&S ( or Percy Pig land as we know it.) I have had a browse already on line but not seen any of the items in person-my chosen shopping method. I really like the "Fabulous" and "Amazing" t-shirts from River Island as modelled by the effortlessly glamourous FTBC team at Breakthrough ,in a recent photo I saw. I am all for embracing your inner fabulousness but may not be courageous enough at my stage in

I would say each day could be described as a game of two halves. I have had definite hints of mojo peeping through the clouds only to have it drowned by a deluge shortly after wards. And understanding this some more I am trying to work with my energy rather than push it up hill as my usual style would be. I am really enjoying being able to walk a little more but it grieves me to admit that shopping remains overwhelming  and exhausting.  A walk around Waitrose nearly saw me off and not just the bill either! This was followed by a visit to the land of Percy pigs to visit the underwear department again. Again you cry?Too true, this year has been the eternal quest for a comfortable bra that I would pay good money for. My husband wisely exited stage left so as to avoid any re- enactments of the Father Ted episode in the lingerie dept. And it was also wise to avoid me when my limited options cause me to resort to a Tourette's style outpouring. However a very sensitive and kind assistan

My highland interlude has come to an end and I have returned home. But the end of the break was as special as the beginning with time for walking barefoot in white sand , collecting shells for the garden and watching Urqhart Castle on Loch Ness emerging dramatically from the morning mist. What a special time it was. But it's nice to be home. Todays walk around the local Botanic gardens included a visit to the exhibition about nests. Artists creations to reflect nests speak of their importance and it struck me that especially in times of vulnerability how even more important my own nest has become.[p] The last few days I have felt exhausted, recovering from my trip. It's a delicate balance between rest and building stamina and I don't always get it right. I guess I have spent a year trying not to give in to tiredness and whilst I would agree  it's not a wise coping strategy I would also admit to feeling scared to give in to it incase I can't get out of it! Like a hu

I will admit this week did not start all that well. I was easily moved to tears and all too in touch with my vulnerabilities. Having explored what was on my mind the previous week,the words" I don't want to go back to feeling like that "kept recurring. What I recognise is the feeling of struggling with tiredness that I wanted to avoid. For what felt like a long time after my first diagnosis I would start the week worrying about having the energy to get through each day. My recent diagnosis was at an early stage so I have generally been optimistic about recovery from the cancer but I have worried about "going back there again". Clearly "there"  remains a scary place for me. And I have felt angry that this new diagnosis could take me back there potentially. So feeling stronger  is an important goal of this recovery time for me. I have also slowly realised that some of the reconstructive work has been less successful than I hoped. I have tried to measur