Christmas and Cara

Grandad cuddles are the best 

I’ve noticed a reluctance to write about the last week. It’s something about making it more real. We’ve been going day to day enjoying the pleasure of sharing Christmas with our family, including  our grandson,Davie for whom every gift opened was worthy of of a ‘wow’ alongside the distress of seeing our beloved dog, Cara, go through a terrible time.

On thé Monday before Christmas we took Cara to the vet hospital. Our own vet had referred her eventually when they were no longer sure of what the growth on her leg was. They gave us no warning of what was to come. The vet who assessed her told us straight away they thought it was an aggressive cancer and they did a series of tests to get more information. By the end of that day they advised that there was no spread and it was hard to know exactly but they thought it might be a sarcoma that comes from blood vessels. We had to make a quick decision as the time taken for the most accurate diagnosis may allow such a cancer to spread, meaning amputating the leg was no longer an option. We questioned, wept, discussed and processed such a devastating thing for our beautiful long legged lurcher to cope with. The vet listened and answered clearly and kindly. The decision was made and Cara had her back leg removed on Christmas Eve. She didn’t know the timing but we did.

So our wonderful children held us close and we cooried in for a family Christmas. Every wow from Davie with each parcel pulled open was a balm to our aching hearts. We played games, we laughed, we cooked then ate like kings, we opened new books, we read stories, we walked and talked. I will remember it as a very precious time.

the eyes have it 

Cara has been home for three days now and is improving. She’s managing to walk on her three legs cautiously. We’ve coaxed her appetite with salmon and rice. Her last meal was so tasty, the cat tried to share it with her! I’ve shared with her the new white fleece I bought and it’s very well received. It’s softness even got our neutered male cat very excited! She’s sleepy and healing and unlike us she’s not anxious about the cytology results. She is in each moment; sometimes snoozing, sometimes excited to see our daughter or son, sometimes licking her lips, sometimes whimpery and sore. But she doesn’t worry about the future, she will learn to walk comfortably and hopefully run again and won’t lament those lost days of four legs. 

So much of my pain lies in remembering what I can’t do and chewing over worries for the future that may or may not happen. I know from my mindfulness practice that staying in the moment is the best way to get through but times like these can impact on the very practice that would help.

But I also know that like me she will adapt and have fun again. We’ve shed so many tears for her, much more than I’ve ever wept for myself. Don’t ask me to explain that...?

Our Grandson like Cara is in each moment, enjoying the new toys, the different food, Christmas cracker hats torn apart, pulling open parcels with no heed of contents, no judgement, just pleasure all wrapped in a loving family. I heard a discussion about what people remembered most from Christmases in the past. And the norm was never about gifts but about time with family and friends, about games shared, about inappropriate Nana moments ( or maybe that’s just my Mum?!) about sledging when the rare white christmas happened. It was time together and connection, shared memories, rarely about a gift. 

The gift is our time invested in family and friends and for us, it’s our much loved pets too. So it really has been a special time with the whole range of quite raw emotions. It seems in 2020 we face uncertainty but in truth we all do. 

Wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2020.

All I want for Christmas is a stairlift!

But not really. That £5k could have had very different purposes!  I really wanted a holiday where we could both relax. I feel cheated to be honest and then worried that the pain getting in and out of chair in the lift might be worse than how I feel later in the day dragging myself up our stairs when my spine is protesting. The alternative is to lose our dining room and set up our bed room there. The cat and dog loved it when we did that for me returning home after spinal surgery. Maybe we should just coorie in downstairs?

 But for me the dining room is full of family times. Of Christmases when my Mum was still with us, of board games, of music and laughter. Currently the colour in Christmas table cloth is a scene of individual creativity and a symbol of community: of loving family and loyal friendship. How can I lose that? That’s the loop I go round.....I guess I will make decision once I’m less angry about having to make such a choice. I need some scream therapy I think! 

But Christmas awaits and I’m very much looking forward to it. I’ve a cast iron excuse not to cook so setting the table is my job! Our Grandson will be with us so I’m looking forward to a riot of fun. Especially as our dog will have the cone of shame on, having had a growth removed from her leg. 

Davie finds Cara the dog hilarious so I expect the cone will add to the giggles.Woof and wow are his favourite words so there should be plenty of opportunities to use them! I’m hugely grateful to have the famille together. We’ve already had lots of family visiting and much love and laughter. That’s the gift of Christmas for me.

And it’s been a hard week or so since the election. The new government have already dropped promises like a higher living wage. What more might they be capable of? They scare me as their leader ( our PM-FFS, how did that happen?) seems to be without a moral compass and shows no sign of compassion for others. We’ve five years of this at least unless Scotland gets the chance to choose a different path. I will do what I can to shape a different way; not least as co-chair for Voices for Scotland. Voices for Scotland is a new non-party, civic organisation campaigning for Scottish independence. The aim is to facilitate open conversations, away from the division and polarities of yes,no, leave and remain. The conversations will be about Scotland’s future with those people across the political spectrum. We want to hear from people from all walks of life and really listen to their stories and hopes. People need hope that things can be better for everyone not just the elite who now control our country. I’m all about finding hope in dark times. 

If you want to get involved check out the website or just let me know. 

Here’s to better futures, wishing you a happy Christmas from Edinburgh and may 2020 bring you love and connection. 

Friday Thirteenth

Friday thirteenth 

The date itself a portent

the exit poll even more.

And yet Hope was there

in our attention to nuance,

to the Professor of Polls,

in our racing hearts.

I KNOW it’s hope that kills

but what is there without it?

It’s a black hole of anger

or bleak acceptance,

a desert of despair.

We need hope.

As England hung its flat cap

on getting Brexit done.

We drank deeply on disbelief. 

How can this be?

This landslide of leave, 

a mystery, a heart rending loss.

And slowly Scotland

showed it’s different hand.

Our scarred lands of decayed industry,

of Highlands cleared of people for profit

spoke in a different voice:

it spoke of choice, of hope.

It’s a confident voice.

Not one with begging bowls

but of rights to be heard.

It’s the voice too loud to be unheard.

It’s the insistent song,

of a land ready for change.

Why getting Brexit done is not my priority, should it be yours?

So last Friday-just before Christmas- I got this letter. Your PiP ( personal independence payments) has been stopped, you owe us money, your car will be returned.......

It hit me like a steam train, one with a snow plow on the front that brutally scoops you up and throws you off the tracks. That takes your breath completely away. I panicked, my breath hard to catch, my pulse racing, my mind unable to make sense of it, I started to sob. But how? I tried to read it more closely this time. I gave it to Andrew to try to make sense as well. It seems I didn’t return the form. But I did, I sent it off in good time ( you get threatening letters about being late with the form) but this letter said differently. I was shaking, trying to read and make sense whilst attempting to calm a racing brain. I went online to read about when your form hasn’t been returned. I finally found a phone number and called. It was Friday evening but it seemed, if I waited I could speak to someone. I waited, I drank tea and waited. After sometime a man answered. I told him,voice shaking, and emotions spilling over, I explained about the letter but that I had sent it in within the deadline. ‘I know what’s happened’ he explained. ‘Our mail is 2-3 weeks behind opening and registering on the system. So don’t won’t worry this is a standard letter that goes out and we have no control over that. Really? Really? ‘So just ignore the letter, i can see your form is with the case manager and once it’s been assessed you will hear from them.’ ‘So this is your fault but I get this letter which caused me so much distress?’ We went round that loop a few times till I was reassured then I hung up and tried to calm down. And I thought that was it until I heard about the assessment. But no on Monday I got a call from PiP as apparently I had requested a call back, I hadn’t but I’m glad I got one as it seemed that although I had done NOTHING WRONG my money had been stopped until the assessment was done. That might take eight weeks. Because the letter was sent this was the process. I reinforced I wasn’t at fault ad nauseum and finally I asked to speak case manager. Again I waited and finally she returned and said they had reinstated my money and my case would be reviewed as normal. 

I have shown the letter to family and friends who share my shock at the brutality of it. One friend, seriously suggested it should have Samaritans phone number on it. Thats the impact, it’s designed to put people off from the start. A guilty of fraud until proven innocent. It’s shameful, this is supposed to be our welfare state, the safety net when times get tough.

And for people who don’t know my story, I have a benign growth on my spine that means I can only walk with assistance for a few steps, I have constant pain day and night, I need support with most things AND I have recently had treatment for the fourth time, with breast cancer. I’m awaiting preventive surgery next week to add to the mix. I’ve gradually had to give up full time work and recently had to dramatically reduce the work I can do. I continue to do work I love, partcularly coaching as it reminds me of who I am and the difference I can make. The PiP in many ways enables me to do that and pays for the many extra costs that disability creates. 

I’m sharing this now, not for your sympathy but because we are in the last week of an election campaign and I hope that if you are unsure what to vote, this will help to persuade you to give your vote to someone who has pledged to create a more equal and supportive society, someone you can trust with our NHS, our pensions, our welfare state. The post war Britain that prioritised caring for its citizens is on its knees and it’s people like me who are paying the price. If you think getting Brexit done is more important than creating a society that lifts its people up, rather than pushing them under then maybe you’ve stopped reading already, but if not please re think. If you want a society where all citizens thrive and contribute then choose wisely who to vote for. This is a pivotal time in our country, each of our votes can change the future. 

Because what has happened to me, could happen to anyone and you too could feel the cold fear of abandonment from a welfare system that’s in the fifth richest country in the world.