I imagine it’s not surprising that it’s hard to write in the run up to Christmas, especially with a recent diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. More than last year I’ve definitely felt the need to explore the “what if it’s my last Christmas”? It’s like using the tongue to probe the source of the toothache. Braced for pain but surprisingly numb. But this week the numbness has worn down. I’ve become messily tearful.
Our dog Cara died this year and I’m remembering her loss in April. I miss her gentle soul. I’m not sure the cat does however as he never goes near her bed any more. Instead he plays ‘try to get to MY chair first’. Everyday he spent the morning in her bed and generally by the afternoon Cara had reclaimed it. Two days after she died Koshka no longer wanted the bed. I’ve tried to analyse it …..but I’ve no idea really.
I’m writing now on Christmas Eve, family gathering, cooking, baking, wrapping and reflecting. What if it is my last one? I no longer feel afraid of that…nor do I feel a need for it all to be perfect.
I just want it to be peaceful. Peaceful for all we care for and about. Peaceful for our Ukrainian family however unlikely that seems now. And peace so needed in Gaza and Israel. Our friend Gerry has worked voluntarily for 20 years or more helping oncology nurses in Gaza develop their practice. The last few weeks have been full of bad news about the nurses and their families. A world of loss and heartbreak that defies description.
That’s why on this Christmas Eve I give thanks for all the people I know and love and hope this year brings me more time with them. And for all of them life is fulfilling and full of good health and love. After all a more peaceful world starts with all of us. Have a heartfelt Christmas.
With love
Audrey
