Future times?

 I find myself constantly changing timescales in my head. I never commit them to paper or even say them out loud. It means my level of comfort with planning varies. A passing comment like ‘let’s do this every year’ makes me hesitate before I reply. Yes definitely, my reply. And that hesitation expresses my doubt in my future. But strangely sits alongside the part of me that assumes a full future. That’s the part of me that keeps moving forward. 

It’s hope that creates the momentum to keep going.

In the past I’ve watched friends and family approach each stage in their cancer journey with determination. And I’ve often thought how can they keep going? Even at times, why aren’t they giving up in the face of such an awful impact on their wellbeing? I’ve wondered if I could keep going in their situation. I’ve doubted my courage to continue. 

But now if I step back and reflect on my situation I realise I am that person now. The person people look at and think, how does she keep going. I’ve assumed in the past that it’s grim determination that would be needed to get up each day. It would be like the final push of a marathon or a mountain climbed without the rush of the achievement. 

But for me at least, it’s not that. It’s the lure of life, of a daily simple routine, to stroke the cat and hear his purr, to laugh together on the antics of the latest video of our grandson, the spring flowers edging up. And time with family and friends is so very precious. Again it’s not the big things, it’s simple kindnesses, it’s time together, it’s hugs and hands held, it’s a shared acknowledgment of the precious experiences, it’s the quiet presence of love without words needed to prove its existence. 

You see it doesn’t feel like a slog at all, it’s the precious privilege of life, enjoyed each day at a time. What a gift. 

Some good times

 

I’ve had an amazing week and I’m still lifted by the different experiences. I’ve been talking about my book, The Journey to Better Times,a quote from a doctor I worked with, when I went back to work overwhelmed by loss and grief. He quietly took in my demeanour and said softly, there will be better times. 

He was so right and this last week has been among the many times to savour since my first diagnosis of breast cancer. At first it was my birthday and whilst I’m  a bit old for balloons and blowing out candles on a cake, my wonderful family treated me to a super few days. And the best birthday cake candle ever! My sister and brother in law even managed a visit, which felt really special. I have a wonderful array of flowers and tasty gluten free treats that arrived unexpectedly and I felt/feel really loved. To all of you who made it so special I say a huge thank you, I’m treasuring it all. 

And just as the adrenaline was settling and the treats finishing, the day approached of my book launch in Glasgow at the ALLIANCE, the charity I co-founded and chaired for the first 10 years. It was really relevant to launch the book there, as my thinking shaped and was shaped by the work in the ALLIANCE and the people I worked with were inspiring and encouraging. It was a very busy time but also very creative and challenging in a good way! 

I was nervous in advance and wondering how to ensure I enjoyed the day. My pain levels had been high, especially in my left hip. In fact I left the house calling out in pain as I tried to walk to the door. Thankfully a change in position relieved the extreme pain and I felt confident I could last the afternoon. My husband and daughter joined me which warmed and grounded me. The audience was a wonderful mix well known faces and people new to me and my work. ( You can buy on https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/394965421080# or Kindle https://www.amazon.co.uk/Journey-Better-Times-long-term-conditions-ebook/dp/B0CM82XJTS

And so I introduced the book I had written over the course of the pandemic. I introduced the concept and the 10 elements one by one. I weaved this with stories that shaped me and my thinking. It was great to hear the feedback that they resonated with others. And that they gained from working through them, while some seemed more important to them than others. They recognised this is deep work for those willing to go there. If my health was different I would love to offer development work for one to one or groups but the time is not right just now. I’m curious whether that time could still come? 

At the end I read out my poem. The lump in my throat took some time to go.Thanks to all of you for coming, for buying and reading the book. Please spread the word and encourage others to buy it. If you want an event I’d love to plan that with you. This week has reminded my of the better times and whilst I know mine are limited, they are still possible. And I love to share them with people I care about. A huge thank you to all of you who have made it so special.