What goes up must come down.
I remember the chant from our favourite Disney ride in Florida. It’s beyond corny with chipmunk voices and puppets along the train route of Big Thunder Mountain. The ominous warning within the song as the wee train gradually climbs and then it comes-the drop-the cheesiest of roller coaster delivers the thrill. Wide smiles and pleas of can we do it again? Our kids were still young enough to enjoy the simple joys of Disney.
I was never particularly interested in going to Disney but after Andrew went on a business trip to Orlando, we decided that we should treat ourselves. It was the year after I had breast cancer for the first time and a year since my Dad had died. Our lives had been heavy and hard, with too few smiles and too many tears.
I’d love to tell you we planned it financially and budgeted wisely but no-it was way more impulsive. We blew a hole in a credit card and gave ourselves an early Christmas gift in October and had a blast! We laughed for two weeks and made memories. It was a different kind of therapy but therapy it was. And there were tears too as i realised my fatigue could not be pushed through and the
tamoxifen caused a sleepiness a bit like that caused by pregnancy. I learned to create space for that and not to fight it. Finally it helped me accept this rather than rail against it. I don’t remember how long it took to pay off the holiday and don’t try this at home folks! It’s how credit cards make so much money but in a funny sort of way it saved us as a family. I’m not even sure what I mean by that but it was a significant stage in our lives and I’m grateful for that.
So why am I thinking of Big Thunder mountain? It’s because I recognise these last few months I’ve had a good spell, I’ve been happily enjoying that. Making plans, getting tickets for Edinburgh fringe, organising visits and pushing all concerns about secondary to one side. But these last few I’ve not done so well. Most noticeably my legs are swollen and won’t go down and I’m feeling queasy and the fatigue is back. My eyes close like the dolls we used to have when I was little, tip her slightly and she closed those eyes without effort at all!Thats me. I find myself saying please don’t take it personally. It’s not you, it’s me!
Or more accurately I’m anaemic again….likely it’s caused by the oral chemo I’m on. The reduced dose means I’ve tolerated it for longer but it’s finally accumulating in my system and my quality of life has declined again and some of my plans look less certain or that my pacing needs to be tighter. Of course I knew logically this would happen but I’m heading back to a less certain time and if I can identify a feeling related to that it would be sadness. And an associated reminder to be grateful for all the special people I have in my life.
And greatest thanks of all to Andrew because he enables me to do what I can and without him I’d be able to do a fraction of what I can. I don’t thank him enough I suspect. But please all of you who know him feel free to tell him how special he is.
Thank you , Andrew, with all my heart ❤️. And right at this minute he’s making my favourite dish, cauliflower cheese. The smell is permeating the downstairs of the house. Making the favourite meal for someone who feels nauseous all the time is a real act of love. ❤️
