Closing the book at the scary bit

There should be a word for the time when you are awaiting surgery. I’ve done it too many times now but this feels different. Waiting for spinal surgery which carries such risk is slightly surreal- like a story you are reading and are really  intrigued by but also detached from. I think I’ve decided to close the book at the scary bit. It feels like it’s a huge crossroad from my life now and how it might be in the future. It’s a cliff edge and I really don’t like heights. But neither do I enjoy the constant pain and poor mobility. 
I now have dates in my diary for a pre-op assessment and angiogram. Just need to fill the date in for the surgery and that’s my summer sorted. 
The first time I was in hospital was to get my tonsils out. My recollections are of a strange excitement, very close to fear but with a hint of intrigue. Jelly and a giant Easter egg also pepper the memory banks. But the biggest impact were the nurses. I still remember the whisper of their kind presence at my bedside and the deep sense of being cared for that was communicated to me. I do recall waiting at the window for my parents coming to collect me and the relief when I saw them. But that experience left me wanting to be a nurse. It was such a wonderful thing to me to be able to care for others that my career was mapped out. It has taken me in such amazing directions and I’m so fortunate I’ve had such a varied career but scrape the surface and there’s still a nurse, wanting to make a difference. 
When I was admitted to have breast cancer surgery for the first time, the most important thing I took with me was my photo of my children. That photo was to remind the staff that I needed to survive for them. Now times are different and they are doing their best to help me approach surgery and will also be there as I recover. I’m very blessed by my family and my friends. My instinct to protect them is also still evident but life has taught me to accept help and kindness. 
Meantime I’m enjoying my new record deck, revisiting old friends in vinyl and enjoying making new ones current obsession is First Aid Kit. 
Music, meditation, family and friends are keeping me grounded and content and that’s enough to be honest. 

Oh and these guys too...
Power is who gets the bed


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