Captured by grief.

 

As you may know, I am managing my well-being in the face of  metastatic breast cancer in my liver as well as pain from spinal growth, spinal damage and rheumatoid arthritis! I’m exhausted just writing that to be honest. But it’s our dog Cara whose decline is troubling us most. She has only three legs due to a growth a few years ago and more recently she has a soft tissue sarcoma. Initial treatment did not prevent it coming back. So now she has a large growth on her back and the size is worrying us daily. We see the vet regularly and she said that if it comes through the skin, the time has come to let her go. I’m never far from tears when I look at her. She’s been a good loyal ( cheese stealing) loving friend who has been part of our lives for 11 years. She now has a body suit to stop her fussing at the growth. It’s working but it reminds me of the navy knickers I wore to gym at school. She rocks it, nonetheless. 

So this week a good friend was saying goodbye before she goes away for a few months. I said to her say goodbye to Cara. She did and grief caught my breath as I looked on. And honestly not just for her but also the realisation that one of those occasions it would be to say goodbye to me. The thought did not stay long but it was a throat clenching moment that cut though to the truth of the layers of my grief. I know it’s not yet and hopefully not for sometime but I need to own my own sadness and so I felt compelled to write about this truth as well. Anticipatory grief is very present for us and it’s hard for me to name it for fear of causing pain. But I’m also aware my honesty might help others name their pain.

But life for us isn’t all sadness, I’ve been booking short holidays with the family too, making memories and having fun as well as being in beautiful Scotland but not too far away so minimum travel stress etc. In recent years we’ve found summer hard as friends were busy and we were not, so we’ve plans to look forward to and give us time with family too. I’ve a scan due in a few weeks which might affect future treatment but this time the holidays are being prioritised! Cancer treatment can dominate life I know but I’m reclaiming time as much as possible for now. 

Daffodils arrive slowly in this part of the world and they’ve had a long season. Their beautiful yellow blooms are guaranteed to life the spirits. The temperature is not yet spring like but the flowers are determined to bloom. That’s a good motto for life I think. 

 

With a little help from my friends…

 Last week I had one of those conversations with my oncologist that caught my breath. I expected one of those more of the same plans but it transpired that I remained very anaemic in spite of the transfusion a few weeks earlier and a lower dose of olaparib. I knew I was anaemic again, the sore mouth and overwhelming sleepiness were again dominating my life. 

Even on my birthday trip to the Old Course Hotel in St Andrews I was only too aware of my limitations. Although the staff and facilities were exceptional and I did feel the benefit. I was spoiled and loved it.

 But my bubble burst when we discussed what next at the clinic.The possibility that the anaemia might be due to the tumour and not the drug had to be acknowledged. I agreed to continue meantime with olaparib and have a scan early April and then decide with more information. 

That afternoon I could not keep my eyes open and slept on and off for the rest of the day. It’s my bodies way of coping with shock. It tells the truth of the impact on me, even if my habit is to deny worries. Of course I now have an infection and I’m back on antibiotics which are helping. Thank goodness for the NHS and for skilled and compassionate staff. I know the NHS in Scotland has significant issues, my experience is of a streamlined cancer service that feels flexible and to an extent, designed around me. 

And my other gift is my friends and family. From timely gift of a cute pink hat for the cold of St Andrews or walking the dog or making a lovely dinner or coming on a long weekend and reminding me I’m more than a sick person. I’m so deeply grateful and all the love keeps us both smiling and able to enjoy life’s joys. 

This last few weeks I’ve laughed and cried and enjoyed peaceful times as well as seeing new people and places. In spite of all life feels rich. Thanks to all of you who make it so.

I started this year committing to invest in love, life and gratitude. So far it’s working well for me.

 I hope you too are enjoying spring. The weather still feels like winter but the spring flowers are daring to show their faces. I do love spring.