Last week I had one of those conversations with my oncologist that caught my breath. I expected one of those more of the same plans but it transpired that I remained very anaemic in spite of the transfusion a few weeks earlier and a lower dose of olaparib. I knew I was anaemic again, the sore mouth and overwhelming sleepiness were again dominating my life.
Even on my birthday trip to the Old Course Hotel in St Andrews I was only too aware of my limitations. Although the staff and facilities were exceptional and I did feel the benefit. I was spoiled and loved it.
But my bubble burst when we discussed what next at the clinic.The possibility that the anaemia might be due to the tumour and not the drug had to be acknowledged. I agreed to continue meantime with olaparib and have a scan early April and then decide with more information.
That afternoon I could not keep my eyes open and slept on and off for the rest of the day. It’s my bodies way of coping with shock. It tells the truth of the impact on me, even if my habit is to deny worries. Of course I now have an infection and I’m back on antibiotics which are helping. Thank goodness for the NHS and for skilled and compassionate staff. I know the NHS in Scotland has significant issues, my experience is of a streamlined cancer service that feels flexible and to an extent, designed around me.
And my other gift is my friends and family. From timely gift of a cute pink hat for the cold of St Andrews or walking the dog or making a lovely dinner or coming on a long weekend and reminding me I’m more than a sick person. I’m so deeply grateful and all the love keeps us both smiling and able to enjoy life’s joys.
This last few weeks I’ve laughed and cried and enjoyed peaceful times as well as seeing new people and places. In spite of all life feels rich. Thanks to all of you who make it so.
I started this year committing to invest in love, life and gratitude. So far it’s working well for me.
I hope you too are enjoying spring. The weather still feels like winter but the spring flowers are daring to show their faces. I do love spring.
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