The space between here and where?

 I am thinking about how to capture this space between life and death.  But Is it fair to call it that? After all in this space I’ve launched a book. I’ve planned webinars, I’ve been interviewed about assisted dying. In many ways it’s a fertile time, unfettered by work or demanding expectations. The photo below was taken when I was interviewed by the BBC about my thoughts on the issues with regard to the assisted dying bill in Scotland. A challenging issue for which there isn’t one answer. But it’s a good time to explore it. 

The greatest demands for us however come in the shape of a 15 year old tabby cat who has suddenly  become a lap cat from one who was aloof but friendly. We’ve tried to analyse him, perhaps he too was grieving our dog Cara who died exactly a year ago. 

Initially he shunned her bed, a bed he’d chosen to lie in daily during her life then walked away from when she finally succumbed to the growth that stole her later years. She was never aloof -more all embracing and verbose. This year that we’ve learned to live without her has found him emerge with a cheeky confidence; no longer last in line for the left over cheese. Now he spends some time each day curled up on our laps, snoring softly and ever alert for meal times. His transition is so welcome and I hope we are each meeting others needs equitably. He’s maybe just needing more comfort with the passing years, as we are too. Whatever the cause it’s so welcome. 

So this time in my life is about living not dying. But the limits of my energy reminds me daily that this is not a normal stage. On Friday we went to see Hamilton and I was wowed by it.But I could only get evening tickets and even as I was lifted by the music,the talent the whole experience the energy leaked out of me and affected my pleasure in it all. I want to watch it again and savour the experience it offers. In truth it’s not just Hamilton, I’m losing my evenings as I struggle to hold on to the life I have now and letting go of what’s no longer possible. I’m still learning the signals that say stop and unlearn the life long ones that pushed through tiredness and illness. 

Mmm it’s all news and part of me doesn’t want to let go of what was just yet.